August brings the summer pilgrimage to drop the Amazon off at college. Once the dorm room was fully stocked, the Mrs and I headed east to what we expected to be a couple of days of relaxation before turning Alice around and heading home.

The Mrs’ wish for this year was to go see the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, so we picked Nag’s Head, North Carolina as our first destination. Nag’s Head is a small tourist trap located on the “Outer Banks” (aka OBX to locals, advertisers, and anyone wanting to pretend to be local). The OBX is a series of barrier islands that run along the coast of North Carolina from the Virginia side, almost 2/3rds of the way to the South Carolina border.

My first impression was “Netflix completely screwed up.”

The Surf Side Hotel was a nice place about 1970, but the staff do an excellent job keeping it going. The rooms were pleasant enough and you get a hot breakfast with your room and a “wine social” from 4:00-6:00pm. The wine is from a box, but at least you can get a free start on the evening. Book an oceanside room on an upper floor, the view is worth it.

We did the usual beach strolling, and kicking around in the surf. The beaches were exceptionally clean. I had been having nightmares about garbage and syringes every two steps, but none of those horrors were in evidence. The beach does not have lifeguard stations, but a safety patrol vehicle drives by about every 15-20 minutes.

Dinner was at Miller’s Waterfront . Pretty typical seafood-centric bar food. I sat down hoping for some good fish & chips. I say “good” because nothing can touch the Fish & Chips at World’s End in Edinburg, Scotland. Miller’s had nothing of the sort! All jazzed up for a cholesterol infusion of epic proportions and my hopes were crushed. They make a decent burger. Ho-hum.

The next day was spend driving the main drag from one end of the island to the other. We stopped in Gulf Stream Gifts looking for some memento to add to the family collection. Lots of nice artsy nautical themed nick-knacks and some pretty jewelry. The tourist map we picked up at the hotel showed Gulf Stream as part of a “gallery district”, but that was a lie. The rest of the shopping consisted of surf shops all hustling the same hoodies, board shorts, and t-shirts (literally, the same colors, designs, and catch phrases.) along with a wide selection of cheap switchblade knives right next to the crack pipes and other drug paraphernalia.

The day ended at the Red Drum Taphouse where I finally found my fish & chips. The Mrs tried the Shrimp & Grits, and we ended up swapping plates because her dish came out more soup than solid and the shrimp were tail-on so you had to get your fingers messy. Good flavor though.

Thus ended stop #1, and a good time was had by all.

The town of Gatlinburg, Tennessee  has obviously spent buckets of cash on their marketing efforts. “Hiking Trails”. “Mountains”. It all looks great. Who would not love a quiet resort town with back to nature just oozing out of its pores?

Uh, yeah. About that.

Expedia lists a ton of hotels. If you understanding of the word “hotel” includes words like “lobby” and “room service”, you will get a whole new definition in Gatlinburg. I can’t say the Quality Inn was “rustic”, but the balcony door had a large brass hook like the one your Grandma used to secure her screen door so the dog didn’t get out holding it closed. They did have indoor plumbing, so I guess we’re even.

Then there’s the city itself. One of the main attractions we wanted to see was the Skylift Park . The online pics looked great. A ski lift ride to the top of a mountain and a glass floored bridge spanning a 160’ deep gorge leading to observation platforms. The perfect place for some quality snaps. After checking into the no-tell motel that was the Quality Inn, we set off on foot to take in the town.

 Picture it. You are walking down the main street of this place that has been hypes as a quaint retreat looking for a place to have supper, browsing some shops, anticipating country craft stores, maybe catch some local musical talent, and then meeting the real Gatlinburg.

“Moonshine Tasting” was probably the most prominent theme. Carnival food was on offer every third doorway. I have never seen so much taffy, corndogs, caramel apples, and popcorn since the last time I went to the State Fair of Texas. Tucked between the ‘Shine parlors and the junk food were carnival fun houses, souvenir shops, and a few pubs. When we finally found the Skylift Park, we realized the lift took you to the top of a couple of hills overlooking Gatlingburg itself. We were done.

In 90 minutes we had taken the measure of this cross between a hillbilly slasher movie set and “Trump Supporter Town” by Disney and decided to cut our trip short by a day. The only thing we bought in Gatlinburg was dinner at Best Italian Restaurant. If you can’t avoid a stop in this armpit of a town, try their lasagna and garlic knots.

Be safe out there.